Something I’ve willed myself not to do as much is stay in the past. One way or another, I was always thinking about what my life was like one year ago today, three years ago today, or even a week ago. It was such an issue that I made it a New Years Resolution to stop that habit. It was a damaging one! Now, I think back to how I started this year vs. what it’s given me thus far – fond memories, a newfound sense of maturity, the ability to cry easier, and dwindling patience.
One thing I learned in English class is that a pivotal point in a character’s story will be brought up again and again. That made me think about the pivotal moments in my life, the ones this year alone. How a year can be both gratifying and simultaneously challenging is beyond me. I’ve achieved things that seemed unheard of to a younger me, academically and personally, I’ve even received words of praise and love from those who love and respect me that stay close to my heart. At the same time, I’ve become so impatient because I want the difficult chapter of my life to be over. Saying that as a 19-year-old is almost funny because the difficult part hasn’t even started yet, in fact this might just be my real first step into adulthood.
That’s something I’ve contemplated a lot: adulthood. With this being my last year at Suffolk County Community College (SCCC), I’ve felt the weight of change and the fear that comes with it now more than ever. I think that’s what it means to be an adult, anticipate change and plan around it because there’s always something else to do. A lot of my teen years were spent dwelling on things out of my control but now I know change, good or bad, is a part of life and it’s still something I have to push through. After all, the only way out is through.
Before I made this realization, I was filled with such bitterness. Not only was I bitter at the world for adding too much on my plate, with college getting overwhelming at times and only piling on, I was bitter at myself for letting all of these obstacles get the best of me and cloud over my head. I was once filled with intense optimism and endless joy, but I was also once naïve and not as wise as I am now. It’s the seemingly impossible-to-get-through experiences that shape us to be better for the next experience that might feel never-ending.
As the year wraps up, I have no choice but to be proud of myself. Even if things aren’t as I imagined, and that’s not always a bad thing, it goes to show that life remains unpredictable and there’s some comfort in that. We can plan things out as much as we want, down to the minute, but the universe – whether that be some higher power or simply the way things go – does not run on a schedule. So, the day we anticipate being bad might be amazing or the amazing day we await might turn out to be horrific. There’s nothing left to do but wait. Patiently, at that.
